Going After Your Dreams In Spite of Negative Thoughts About Others’ Perception of You
A few weeks ago I presented to a group of about 100 people. It was the second largest group I've spoken to so I was very excited about the opportunity. In preparation, I spent weeks getting myself ready and even practiced portions of the speech in front of smaller audiences. Although I did change it up a bit the evening before, I felt very prepared. As I walked up the stairs to get on stage, excitement washed over me. I felt incredibly blessed, happy, and confident because I was about to give the audience some incredible tools that they would use for the duration of their retreat and hopefully, their lives.
While I was presenting, I was fully present. I could see the faces of the crowd members and judged in the moment how I was doing. I felt "on fire". As soon as I walked off the stage, I felt the relief of having it done and even pride for doing it. I took my seat back in the audience and patiently waited while the audience broke into their small groups to reflect on what I had said. When it came time for each group leader to share their takeaways, I felt proud that they had so many. Then, while driving home, something shifted. Suddenly, I was feeling far from what I had experienced as I left the stage. I was feeling sick to my stomach. It felt like a cloud came in and was covering my rainbow. My mind was racing with thoughts of “Was it good enough?” “Were people engaged?” “Did I deliver what the host was expecting?” “My last minute idea didn't land as well as I had hoped. Oh no! Will he hire me back for future engagements?” I was feeling such doubt and shame it was ridiculous! And worse of all, I let this dark cloud hover over me for days!
When people asked me how the speech went, I gave a quick, short answer because I was so afraid of bringing attention to what I was thinking and feeling. Although I did not hear the other speakers, I had the thought that I was the worst one. I had absolutely no base to make this judgment and yet I caught myself believing it! I was simply thinking the worst about me! It took me weeks before I contacted the host to thank him and ask for feedback. I was afraid that if he didn't notice what I noticed about my presentation, then maybe I'll bring it to his attention, and then he'll agree with me that I was the worst presenter, and then he'll never ask me to present again!! Do you see the downward spiral of all this negative thinking?
When we're being brave and bold, and putting ourselves out in the world in such a public way, it can feel exhilarating... and clearly it can also feel like the worst sickness ever. As I reflected on my experience, I realized that the feelings I had about myself and the situation came from two specific sets of thoughts; the thoughts I have about myself and the thoughts I have about what other people think of me.
The thoughts I had about myself were: I could have done better. I wasn't engaging or influential enough. No one was engaged or experienced a transformation. As a Mental Fitness Coach, I know that these thoughts are just that, thoughts. I understand that I had the power to decide if I was going to choose to believe them or not. The only thing is, that although I didn't want to believe them, unconsciously I held them has truth. I know this because I had an emotional response to them, meaning I could feel them in my body. And, I allowed myself to feel them for a period of time. Hence, the sickness and cloud. Since I had unconsciously decided to believe these negative thoughts about myself, the next step was to decide if I wanted to engage with them. I could either question the thoughts or do something about them.
If I get curious and look at my experience from a different perspective, perhaps if I ask myself, “Am I making progress? Did I do a better job than I did the time before?” From that perspective, I can look at what worked and what didn't work. Using the answers to those questions, I can apply whatever I've learned in future speaking engagements. This is the constructive way of handling those negative, doubtful, and shameful thoughts we have about ourselves. When we are curious and see every opportunity as a gift for learning, that's when we can overcome the weight of vulnerability, the state of possibly being attacked emotionally. Remember, there is always the first option to not engage. We can simply choose to dismiss our thoughts; choose not to think “I could have done better” or “No one liked it.”
The two antidotes for feeling vulnerable is taking responsibility for the result you created. Ask yourself what you will do about it or what you will do differently. When we take responsibility, that's when we take the power back.
The second type of thought we may have are the thoughts we have about what other people think about us. Yes, they are OUR thoughts about what other people think. They are NOT what other people actually think. And, here is something very important to note: our thoughts about what other people think are NOT ALWAYS TRUE! I know it may seem like it is, but it is not. Even when we perceive people's behavior as evidence for our negative thoughts, more often than not, our perception is wrong. It is very important to understand that we never know what people are thinking and our assumptions are often wrong.
If our thoughts about what other people think of us are often wrong, then the question becomes “Why should we even bother to spend time and energy managing those thoughts?” What if we just decide to say “Who cares what other people think about us?” There is sense of the freedom in “Who cares what other people think?’ Our willingness to put ourselves in situations where we're showing up as the person we want to be, doing the things that bring us joy is what matters. Additionally, the more we fully express ourselves through our words and actions, the more likely we will develop better coping skills and perhaps tolerance to the yucky feelings of shame, doubt, and vulnerability.
This is BIGGER than my experience with public speaking. This is about being the person you want to be and doing the things you want to be doing. Most people don't show up in their lives as BIG as they can because they are too busy trying to control what other people think about them. Although they want to do great things and make an impact, they choose not to jump into the water out of fear that their splash will get someone wet and that someone will have an opinion about that. Who wants to live life in that way? You can't control what other people think about so giving up on who you want to be and the things you want to create in your life is a losing battle. Even if you could control other people's thoughts, is it worth your time and energy to do so? Wouldn't that time and energy be better spent doing the things you want, creating impact in your world, and having the things you desire? Why not be fully committed, bold and brave, and go after your goals and dreams with unapologetic gusto? Why not stop restraining yourself from doing BIG things because you're too busy preventing the opinions of others?
This is one of the hardest things I had to overcome when I started my business. I grew up under the notion that children were meant to be seen and not heard. Therefore, I was very conscious of what I may say or do that would be considered out of line. For the longest time, this tendency went unnoticed. It wasn't until a coach brought it to my attention that I realized I was playing small. And, then I had to do the hard work of overcoming the fear, shame, and vulnerability of upsetting someone, especially the fear of offending family members by sharing my story. Now that I have this awareness, I see how it shows up for my clients. I see how they don't say what needs to be said out of fear of hurting another person's feeling or not having that person agree with what they want to create in the world. I see them wanting to create something BIG, but out of fear what other people will think, they take small action like dipping or sliding into the pool instead of taking the more powerful and exhilarating leap.
If we acknowledge the fact that the thoughts we imagine other people are thinking about us are really just our own thoughts, then we can decide if we are going to engage with those thoughts. Once we decide that, the next question we get to ask ourselves is “Am I willing to show up BIG, to be seen and heard, and go after my goals, dreams and desires in spite of the fact that I may experience disappointment, shame and vulnerability before, during and after?” “Am I willing to be vulnerable knowing that there is a high chance that I will be self-critical of myself and wonder what other people are thinking about me even after I've done or achieved what I set out to do?”
I can't answer these questions for you, but for me the answer is “ABSOLUTELY!” YES, I am willing to bet on myself. YES, I am willing to risk feeling good about myself for the sake of growth! YES, I am willing to get super uncomfortable as the means for becoming the person I want to be, doing the things I want to be doing, and having the things I want to have. The sincerity of this bold commitment comes from knowing that every opportunity, whether good or bad, is a gift for learning and is part of my success journey. Sometimes those negative thoughts and emotions are just enough to push me forward; to plan and do better.
What if the only reason people don't go after their goals and dreams is only because they can't, or won't, handle the negative feeling after they've put themselves out there? That really is the only difference. We think that the people who are out there being seen, heard, and getting things done are naturally talented, confident, people-persons. We have this idea of who those people are and we forget that it is just us using our thoughts to keep us from taking action. What if it wasn't true? What if all the people who are going out there were experiencing fear, doubt, anxiety, and shame just like us? What if these negative feelings are simply part of the experience?
When I am going out there, being seen and heard, I, too, have these experiences. I have thoughts about how I could have done it better. You may be having thoughts about me right now as you're reading this blog post. And, some of you may be using the thoughts you have about me against yourself because what you're seeing or hearing seems opposite of your experience. Trust me, we are having the same experience. The only difference between the two of us is that I am showing up, saying what needs to be said, and doing what needs to be done, even when all I really want to do is stay hidden; not seen and not heard. Yet, I keep showing up in the world, sharing my thoughts and ideas, and going after my goals and dreams. Some days I think I'm a failure. Other days, I think I am the most amazing person in the world.
The intention of this blog post is to have you realize that critical thoughts or negative emotions about yourself is part of playing your BIGGER game. EVERYONE experiences it. You can be aware of your thoughts and either engage with them in a way that is constructive or let them make you feel bad about yourself. This is especially true when you use your thoughts about other people, like me, against yourself. You may tell yourself, “She is so confident and everyone seems to love her. It doesn't feel natural to me so I must not be meant for it.” Remember, our thoughts create our results. So if you're always apprehensive about yourself and what other people think about you, you'll always create the opposite of what you want, negative results.
If you can stop worrying about what other people think, or stop trying to control what other people think, and put yourself out there more and more, eventually you'll get more comfortable with being uncomfortable. And perhaps, eventually taking risks will be fun and exhilarating.
When I was on the stage, I felt awesome. I was excited. I wanted to do more. I decided that I wanted to do more of that in spite of the feelings I had afterwards. And, judging from past experiences when I didn't feel that good on stage, I still wanted to do it. I am willing to feel the yuckiness to continue doing what I love. I am willing, able, and desire to be better so I can create the life of my dreams, accomplish my goals and secure my dreams. I am “all in” for making the most of this life in spite of the negative thoughts and emotions I sometimes experience. Are you?